Stuck in September

I remember right after my sister died telling my mom I wanted to freeze time. I said it more than a few times. I was obsessed with wanting everything and everyone to stand still. She said, and I’m paraphrasing: “I want time to freeze forever, but like two weeks ago, when Kristina was here”. Of course, I would rather that too (you know, if I actually did in fact have time freezing super powers).

I was, or should I say, *am* terrified of continuing on without her. Right now, I look like her, I laugh like her, my mannerisms are like hers.

I’m scared for when wrinkles line my face, and silver adorns my hair, and crackles creep into my voice. I won’t know her like that. I won’t recognize her like that. What happens when I stop seeing her in me?

I’m stuck in September.

I’m frozen — paralyzed— in a time where my sister was still alive. She looked at the same September moon I did, she and I breathed the same September air.

I’m stuck there.

In reality, I have somehow still managed to freeze time. A week ago at work I was so confused why we had a full carton of coffee cream that expired in January. I even asked them about it. “Why do we have this in the fridge?” They looked at me like I was crazy— It does in fact expire in January… January 2019.

But you see, I’m stuck in September; and in September creamer doesn’t have a shelf life lasting until January.

I’m white knuckling September like a steering wheel on a blizzard ridden January night. I can’t let go; and right now I don’t want to.

I’m stuck where there was late summer sunsets, warmth — and life.

Signing off for now, from somewhere in September.

Xo